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9 Ways to Exasperate Your Wife

How to Exasperate Your Wife by Douglas WilsonHow to Exasperate Your Wife by Douglas Wilson
Free chapter below!
by douglas wilson

Not that I am an expert or anything.

A woman comes into marriage with a certain set of naive assumptions about the density of her sweet baby’s head. Some husbands may want their wives to develop a more realistic understanding, and that ipso pronto. If this is in fact the case, then certain trusty devices have been employed by more industrious husbands over the years, and they have worked in a very effective manner to this end.
1
The first and most important thing to do is take a very strong stand on male leadership. By strong stand, I mean as measured in decibels and not by performance. The disparity between the two may draw unfavorable attention and reviews, marring the surface of domestic tranquility from time to time. When this happens, a man should demand in a loud, blustering voice why it is necessary to speak in that tone of voice. It seemed disrespectful.
2
Another device, favored by men who do not want to come off as a more traditional male, is that of pseudo-sensitivity. Great concern must be expressed over the possible neglect of her vocational gift s and career opportunities. If this is played right, a woman can be maneuvered into working a full-time job alongside her husband’s, and all without her being relieved of any of her full-time responsibilities in the home. The enterprising husband can find himself with one job and two incomes, and he then has the opportunity to figure out ways to spend the money while she is spending her evenings doing the laundry.
3
And a woman should not be allowed to spend very much money. In a strange kind of way, she might even learn to derive great satisfaction in how long she can make her fifty bucks last. In the meantime, her husband can spend money on a good bass boat, beer, a chop saw, a hunting rifle, beer, videos, that extra cable service carrying ESPN, and beer. When asked about this, he might intone that it would not be good to be penny-wise and pound-foolish. If she still asks for money to buy some clothes or shoes for herself, he should give her the money but act slightly disappointed in her desire to spend it on herself. He should not say anything, and if questioned about his silence, he should say, “No, that’s all right. Hm.”
4
A man should take special care to give his wife permission to home school. She has been asking for a couple years, and if he gives permission, this will keep her quiet for a couple more. Then, when she asks for some direction, discipline, or leadership in curriculum decisions, he can gently remind her that she was the one who requested that they do this.
5
Fussiness over meals is also important. It is not important how the fussiness is exhibited, but it is essential that it be exhibited. One man may want to demand his food at six o’clock, straight up, another may want his food piping hot, and yet another may want to insist on an entire absence of whatever vegetable it is that annoys him.
6
He should make sure he talks about how various women at work, or at church, are good-looking. Just as a general observation, nothing important. Nevertheless, it is encouraging to note that more and more women are keeping themselves up these days. On a related note, he should be concerned about his wife’s weight, and he should vocalize his concern from time to time in a helpful tone of voice. Unless he tells her that she has inadvertently put on a few pounds, she would probably never know.
7
He must require at all times that she is never allowed to know more than he does in any area. If by happenstance she does, then there should be an unspoken assumption in the household that she should keep quiet about it. To do otherwise would be disrespectful.
8
He must ensure that the television is on from the time he gets home until about ten-thirty or eleven. It will provide a comforting backdrop to the conversation and life of the family. If the television is on all the time, it provides a certain wallpaper for the mind, filling in those awkward silences. The wife should be given every opportunity of learning what shows and sporting events are important to him.
9
And of course, at the end of the day, when the lights are turned down low, he should head off to bed like a simple-minded juggins, acting the part of a grinning prospector who is expecting to fi nd a sexual El Dorado any minute now.

And let’s all wish him some luck.
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Men wishing you better luck

This is wonderfully enjoyable to read, easy to digest, but savory enough to chew long on.

David M.

I didn't want to finish it. I need to live out these truths.

How to Exasperate Your Wife by Douglas Wilson
CESAR

A short, great book for men who have a twisted view of headship, which means most of us.

Peter Jones

Exegetical excellence and metaphorical flavor combine to make the kind of observations and suggestions only obtained through hours of time with miserable marriages.

John Grauke

All of his marriage and family content is excellent, clear, and unapologetic. His wisdom is Scripture-soaked and comes from a context of years of counseling.

Matthew McGuire

Great stuff here. Short, pithy, provocative, and to the point. Some of Pastor Wilson’s best insights to husbands in one spot.

Samuel Parkison

Full of biblical horse-sense, the kind of wisdom that comes from experience, and real helpful advice.

Jeff Short

I went in expecting a lot of rehash but this was full of fresh insights and new angles. A tremendous amount of wisdom to wither masculinist and effeminate killers of husbandry.

Jerry

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How to Exasperate Your Wife and Other Short Essays by Douglas Wilson
more of an audiobook guy?

Other Chapters in the book

Part
1

Honor & Dishonor
Part
2

Thoughtfulness
& Thoughtlessness
Part
3

Sex & Fidelity

Scripture calls a man to love his wife “as Christ loved the church.” Most people take that to mean that since Christ loved the church a lot, men should love their wives a lot. But what does the story of Christ tell us about how you should love your wife?

Wisdom is a woman:
‍Understand your wife as you pursue Wisdom, who is a woman (Proverbs).

The Crown of her Husband:
‍Scripture says your wife is your crown and glory.

The Wife as Ruler:
‍Wives are praised as despots of the home (Timothy).

An Honored Guest:
‍When does God tell men to get out of their wives’ way.

Romance and the Story:
‍You’re not called to love your wife “a lot”. Scripture calls a man to love his wife "as Christ loved the church", which looks like a story of glad sacrifice.

When a Man Loves a Woman:
‍A better way to earn respect instead of pitifully demanding it.

How do you take responsibility for your home without being a big jerk? What do the Ten Commandments say about marriage? Can a man be both strong and tender? How?

The Ten Commandments in Marriage:
‍What the ten commandments really look like in the context of marriage.

Try a Little Tenderness:
‍How to be hard for your wife and not towards your wife, avoiding the tyranny of being soft and abdicating leadership.

Two by Six: How husbands are like houses with 2x6s.

Warrior Wuss: What happens when we let women fight our battles for us.

A Home in the Right Key: Getting rid of double standards in the home where your sin is treated harshly but her sins get grace, and vice versa.

How to Exasperate Your Wife: Using your voice, her neglect of career opportunities, $50/month allowances, meal critiques, homeschool decisions, her bodyweight, TV schedules, and grins that guarantee you a sexual el dorado 100% of the time.

Issues about sex, like grapes, come in bunches. How are you killing lust, and not merely "struggling" against it? What other sins are feeding it, like discontent and overreactions to your wife's overreactions? And what does God's plan for sex in the resurrection do to our marriages today?

Seven Effective Strategies for Dealing with Lust:
Strategies to stop feeding the discontent that will later feed adultery.

Of His Flesh and of His Bones:
‍What it really means that you are both one flesh, so you should love her as yourself.  

Sexual Glory: How wives are a glory and a covering to their husbands.

Sexual Grumbling:
Quit the complaints of the adulterer, the fool, and the coward that are ruining the intoxicating sex Solomon says wise men have (Prov. 5:19).

Nuisance Lust:
‍The right way to lighten up about lust before it gets really bad.

Sex in Heaven?
‍How there can be no sex in heaven and yet our sex gets an upgrade.  

More on Sex in Heaven: In case this preview left you sexually frustrated, here are more reasons on how God will not raise us from the dead, male and female, in order to rip us off.

Part
1

Honor & Dishonor

Part
2

Thoughtfulness
& Thoughtlessness

Part
3

Sex & Fidelity

  • What it Means Practically to Love Your Wife As Christ Loves the Church
  • How to Take Responsibility For Your Home Without Being a Big Jerk
  • What the Ten Commandments Say About Marriage
  • How a Man Can Be Both Strong and Tender
  • Seven Effective Strategies For Dealing With Lust

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